Parenting doesn’t come with a handbook.

I’ve always dreamed of being a mother. My biggest fear is that I wouldn’t be. It took George and I five years and a miscarriage to be able to have our first child, Zoe. Then 3 years later I had another miscarriage. We were devastated and heart broken. Seven months later we found out I was pregnant with Jax. We were so excited to become a family of four.

My parents didn’t raise me. It was my paternal grandparents who did. The childhood I experienced was rocky. I knew I didn’t want that for my two children. Their life is much better than mine. Especially their clothes. I find joy in seeing the kids dressed so cute. The 80’s fashion I grew up with was not so cute.

I had a lot of expectations going into parent hood. I got married at 28 and I knew a number of parents. I would watch my parent friends and how they would raise their children. So when I got pregnant I thought I was a pro.

I was the expert. Boy was I was naive. Zoe definitely was not like any child I had ever baby sat for. She was a force to be reckon with from day one.

Zoe has this zest for life that’s contagious. She sees things in high definition. She’s my child who’s incredibly sweet and fierce all in the same breath. She loves her brother and is adjusting to her big sister role. Zoe teaches me that life is not predictable. She loves affection and constant affirmation. Zoe has amazing comprehensive skills and is very articulate.

Jaxon is the child who is extremely tactile. He’s been that way from day one. He is constantly touching everything. He’s very sensitive to his environment. He thrives on consistency and routine. He loves to take things apart and put them back together.

They are both extremely bright. Zoe in Greek means life. I feel her name is a very accurate description of her emerging personality. Jaxon’s personality is showing more as he is learning how to communicate despite his speech delay. He’s so joyful and persistent.

I just love their personalities. God gave me two perfect children to refine me and mold me. I’m learning so much from them. They are both teaching me what’s really important in life. I’ve learned to accept life as it is and not how I think it should be.

Some days I’m rocking in the mommy hood and other days I’m failing miserably. My children have needs that are vastly different. I feel like a failure sometimes. Even if Jax didn’t have the issues he has, this would still be my reality. My only consolation is that I’m present as a parent. Each day I wake up and try to be there for them. People compliment me on how well I’m doing. My daughter constantly tells me I’m awesome.

Recently I feel like I wish there was a handbook. I am faced with certain decisions and I’m figuring out what’s the best route to take. It would be nice to have a reference on what to do. I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders. I have to make decisions for them that will impact them forever. I’m hoping I’m making good choices for them.

Parenthood can be the loneliest place. Even in the parent groups I’m in there’s not a clear answer to some of my questions. I’ve found that many parents feel this way.

Jax has another I.E.P meeting this Tuesday. An I.E.P is an individual education plan the school system has in place for the special needs student. Jax’s teacher and speech therapist have gotten to know him better and want to update his plan. Gwinnett County’s goal in this process is to get Jax where he’s able to communicate with us.

I’m preparing for it and I’m excited to meet his speech therapist at school. His private speech teacher is also in communication with her too. Jax has his team in place. My place in this is to learn how to facilitate at home what he’s learning at school. This weekend we all learned about signing for more and play.

Friday George and I had a parent/teacher conference for Zoe. Since she’s had a great deal going on, I wanted to make sure her needs were taken care of too. The staff at the school truly love and adore her. She’s having a rough patch right now and is dealing with some stuff. I’m grateful the school is not only worried about her academics but the student as a whole person.

Being a parent now for seven years, I’ve realized there is no perfect way to parent. Each child is different and has different needs. Some days it truly is a miracle they were both fed, clothed and loved up on. Some days they have home cooked meals for dinner and some days it’s popcorn with butter.

Zoe’s special to me because she’s my first. From day one she’s been a very vocal child. She’s a bit of a perfectionist with a wicked sense of humor. I’m so grateful for her. I tell people all the time she’s going to do amazing things.

I’ve learned that being a parent is completely unpredictable. My pride is nonexistent when it comes to their needs being met. My goal is to raise two productive members of an ever changing world. I must be guided not by fear but faith. I want for them each to know they are loved and my priority. Besides if there was a handbook for parenting I would probably be too busy to read it anyway.